Brexit Crisis Averted!

Austrians devise New European Order to appease Westminster

After recently rejecting a whopping eight Brexit options, including May’s deal, no deal, staying in a customs union, a second referendum and outright cancellation, the British Parliament has finally found a solution that appeals across all party lines. Amazingly, the concept has come from the unlikeliest of sources: Austria’s far right Freedom Party (FPÖ). “We dabbled rather extensively in Öxit before joining the ruling coalition and suddenly becoming committed Europeans,” current EMP Harald Vilimsky stated, “so it was really just a matter of repurposing some of our old notes for Britain.”

The FPÖ’s plan for the UK is simple: form a new European Union with Britain at its center. “The main issue the English seem to have with the EU is losing sovereignty to Brussels. Britons are a proud lot who dislike being told what to do by foreigners, but have no problem going along with the crackpot ideas and outright lies of their own politicians. So if we give the keys to the club to the UK, perhaps they’ll stay in a bit longer,” Vilimsky explained. Whitehall has already settled on the name “The United European Kingdom of Great Britain, Northern Ireland and Those Continentals Over There,” appointing Boris Johnson, the current MP for Uxbridge and South Ruislip, to the new position of Lord European Regent, and choosing Blackpool, Lancashire, as the new UEK capital. Blackpool’s City Council has already started recruiting Punch & Judy men from the pier to assist the new Lord European Regent in his ceremonial duties. When asked why the UK chose Blackpool of all places, Vilimsky simply shrugged, saying “Honestly, that makes about as much sense as Strassbourg.”

Mind your own business

But that’s not all: To ensure this new union never oversteps its bounds by insisting its core values be respected, the FPÖ has proposed a new treaty to govern the New European Order, dubbed the “Amstetten Agreement.” According to Vilimsky, the new charter is far simpler than the overly complex Maastricht and Lisbon treaties: “The Amstetten Agreement has one easy-to-understand governing principle: ‘Mind Your Own Business.’ Your neighbor is abolishing Freedom of the Press? Mind Your Own Business! Human Rights are being ignored? Mind Your Own Business! Want 60-hour work weeks, the end of the welfare state or even to annex strategic peninsulas in the Black Sea? Go ahead, everyone else will Mind Their Own Business!” Many European countries unhappy with the status quo, from Hungary to Poland and even as far afield as Russia, have expressed interest in joining this new, hands-off approach to European integration, which Vilimsky finds very encouraging. “I would suggest symbolically re-closing the Balkan refugee route every year just to remind our constituents what we’ve done for them lately, but otherwise, go nuts!”

Unsurprisingly, the usual motley crew of Gutmenschen and other left-wing troublemakers has raised concerns, worried that the new UEK does not constitute a union at all. Not so, according to Vilimsky. “The thing is, the EU fulfills a vital role for all of us: scapegoat. If it weren’t for Brussels, we’d be held accountable for our own horrible ideas. But instead, we can always blame faceless technocrats and laugh all the way to the ballot box! So we need the UEK, if only so we can blame Boris Johnson and that Punch & Judy show in Blackpool for all our shortcomings.”

But aside from these feeble protests, support is strong, especially in Westminster.  Jacob Rees-Mogg, MP for North East Somerset, is ecstatic for one, and considers the plan a way overdue acknowledgement of England’s manifest destiny: “Why didn’t we think of this before? I never thought re-establishing the British Empire would be this easy! Besides, Blackpool is gorgeous this time of year.”

Binu Starnegg
Manila born, Brooklyn bred and a longtime resident of Vienna, Binu Starnegg is currently managing editor for Metropole, where he completes myriad tasks with style and aplomb. Photo: Visual Hub

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