Trump endorses Lugner

Fellow builder convinced Lugner can “make Austria great again”

In an unprecedented move, Front-runner for the GOP presidential nomination Donald Trump interrupted his stream-of-consciousness stump speech to show unexpected insight into Austrian politics:

People say I don’t know much about foreign policy, but what do they know? Sad! They’re not billionaires, just a bunch of losers, so who cares? But I know what I like, and I like this guy: Richard Lugner.

Trump continued, “He’s one of us, even if he is European and talks funny. And his country has lost its way too, so he’s running for president, just like me, except I’m richer and prettier, and I got bigger hands, if you know what I mean. But I believe he will totally make Austria great again.”

Screen Shot 2016-04-01 at 11.04.43While stunning to outsiders, this move comes as no surprise to political pundits. Long known as an aficionado of central European women, Trump has been keeping a keen eye on the region. “Austria may only be as big as one of my resort hotels – and slightly smaller than my ego – but they are a shining example of what America needs to do. Austria already built a fence around its borders and uses its army to keep all the illegal aliens and rapists out. Now if they could only get the Syrians to pay for it, they’ve got it made!”
The two real estate tycoons were originally introduced by their respective wives:

“Yeah, I think Melania met Cathy Lugner at some photo shoot, when they were posing for the same magazine,” recalled Trump. “They got on well – must be a European thing. When I first met Richard though, I thought he was auditioning for The Apprentice! I was about to tell him You’re Fired!™, but then I gazed into those big, watery eyes of his and saw my mirror image – a big-time winner, misunderstood but still a yooge personality.”

Richard Lugner couldn’t agree more:

The Donald and I, we are not so different;” the Austrian celebrity real-estate developer and presidential hopeful told METROPOLE. “We both collect wives and exaggerate our net worth. We both use Reality TV to distract from failures and build our brand. And people thought the both of us were a joke, just a couple of media whores. But how wrong they were!

“Donald has shown how serious he is, and I shall do the same,” Lugner added. “Those establishment fat-cats might laugh now, but soon, they will be eating humble pie. Or maybe Lugner Schnitzel™, as soon as the licensing deal goes through. Donald is helping me out.”

The mutual support goes beyond mere words too: Lugner’s daughter, Jackie, has already agreed to be an au pair for Ivanka Trump’s children and Trump has announced he will attend the Opernball with Lugner for only a fraction of his standard appearance fee. Trump has also suggested that Richard Lugner open a Lugner City in the now defunct Trump Plaza™, Atlantic City. “Now, I can finally have shops open on Sunday!” said an elated Lugner.

In return, Lugner will help Trump develop a golf course in Floridsdorf, to be named Trump Florida Golf Links and Resort™. “The name says it all!” Trump beamed. “It will be just like Miami beach, only without all the Cubans.”

The love may not stop there though. “I’m still looking for a running mate.” Mr. Trump hinted, “And I’ll be damned if I name some kooky Canadian Latino posing as a Texan. A ‘Trump-Cruz’ ticket should only be good for a Caribbean ocean-liner vacation.”

When asked what they think of their critics, accusing them of making a mockery of democracy, they answered in unison: “It’s exactly like Taylor Swift says: Haters gonna hate.

Binu Starnegg
Manila born, Brooklyn bred and a longtime resident of Vienna, Binu Starnegg is currently managing editor for Metropole, where he completes myriad tasks with style and aplomb. Photo: Visual Hub

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